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Empty Nest Syndrome

 

Bald Eagle in flight. http://photopin.com/
Bald Eagle in flight.
http://photopin.com

I love flying!

I couldn’t help but feel impressed by the takeoff.  I have a peculiar, indeed, somewhat unusual, fascination about aircraft…the domestic, not the war type. Flying holds a place in my heart and it’s in this space I can create better, rest pretty well and dream and think more prolifically than most places on Earth.

Ever since I flew as a flight attendant with Qantas in and out of Australia, I have enjoyed the times that I am able to sit and experience the beauty of flight. The escape into the skies of these mere mortal bodies as we partake, albeit briefly, of the joy of seeing the Earth from God’s airspace is a constant charge… an adrenalin rush to me! Perhaps I should have been an astronaut. Or a bird of flight!

Breaking News!

As the captain interrupts my train of thought with his usual informative patter via the PA, we quickly cover the miles of our journey towards Dallas.  Today we stop briefly there, then on towards Los Angeles.  This mammoth day marks the close of our trip to the USA.  I turn my thoughts to home, and family.  Thoughts of our grown up kids there.  My little black dog, dear thing.  Our house in the most beautiful valley in the world.

And then comes the jolt as I remember that home will not be the same anymore.  Ever. It will be in some ways empty, because the last one of our kids who has just recently ‘flown the nest’ in order to begin expanding her world, has left.   

She has settled , for who knows how long, in the great world city of Los Angeles.

No, home won’t be the same now. 

I can hardly allow myself to entertain the thoughts that want to crowd and crumble my heart.  The empty bedroom; her precious little childhood things that sit gathered and packed in a corner.

I wasn’t there when she left the nest.  Her father and I were away on this trip.  So for us, goodbye comes in the next couple of days when we leave Los Angeles for Sydney.

I quickly move on, not dwelling on the unnecessary emotion that this goodbye promises to bring.

We were in Jacksonville last night. On our way to the airport this morning our driver spoke about, among other things (she was quite the talker) the local Florida bird-life.  We got onto the subject of the American national emblem, the bald eagle. These days in that state, the magnificent and nationally acclaimed species is returning.  Apparently they build their nests high up in the mobile phone towers and live, confident and strong, in a place where they weren’t supposed to be, but now occupy as their own. That place is where their perspective is all encompassing.  Their view one that royalty in the animal kingdom are privy to alone.   It’s a vantage point,  brilliantly positioned for them to educate their babies in the art form for which they are famous.  And for which those babies were created. 

Bald Eagle Nest. Photopin.com
Bald Eagle Nest.
Photopin.com

Their keen eye and purpose combine as they hunt from a great height and feed those babes until one day, they will drop them out of the nest.  The little ones will learn how to fly. It’s called survival. Their hearts will be encouraged as they at first panic at the speed and precarious, random nature of their initial solo flight.  That’s the one when Mama Eagle literally turfs them out of the nest.  I imagine they struggle to overcome their surprise, but quickly gather all that they have been created to employ, as they flap those great but novice wings and experience God’s breeze and lifting currents in flight.

And before long, baby eagle is able to be seen high in the sky, doing what God has created it to do.  Soaring.  Being magnificent.

Mother eagle…..  Do you feel like I do when you watch that?

The need to teach and then to let go?  The fact that you have educated your babies to fly and then they actually take you at your word and do it? And before long there is no real need for you to be there.  They have learned the path of life.  They have become ‘grown up’. They turn their heads towards the future.

The ‘Empty Nest’….it’s  an expression, a naming of the empty-hearted feeling that every other Mama knows.  Every mother who has educated, trained, loved and encouraged her babies to fly…   As she champions her offspring, remembering their birth and childhood ways, she watches on, ever protective and ready to swoop in and rescue.

We are on the approach to Dallas.  Next top Los Angeles.  Four days to see my baby angel.  Then I must become Mother Eagle. 

Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)

31 but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint. [1]

 

 

 

 

[1] The New International Version. 2011 (Is 40:31). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

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TRUST and my GPS!

 

IPHONE MAPS

The GPS is recalculating…..It’s the little moving dots that are so annoying….C’mon!  C’mon!

The diagram of the little car on the screen is way off course!

Because we are navigating our way across New York City in a rental car, we need help.How to trust this unseen person, this voice that knows all?

Giving up control

Trust. It’s not easy when you are in unfamiliar territory. Have you ever felt that you are in a place where you feel conscious of the need to hurry and put some distance between you and your current position? Some of life’s tracks can take you there.  It feels as though…’the quicker I get through this, the better the future will be…I need to learn something and move on!’

But trusting is, surely, not natural 

We may be sure of our destination, but which pathway, street, highway or freeway do we use to get there?  That’s up to this ‘higher power’, this indispensable GPS system that apparently relies on something way up in the sky to direct us safely to our resting place for the night. 

What DID we do before we had those all-knowing, all-powerful satellites in space? 

We are left with time to think. The traffic lights turn red and bring a reprieve, pausing us for a moment on our journey through a busy Brooklyn neighbourhood. “This route is saving you five minutes traffic delay time”

I am tempted to say:  ‘thank you’ out loud. Doesn’t feel like we are saving time!

A necessary journey

Where I am now is sometimes not where I want to be.  But I know that I need to pass through this place, in order to get to the ‘other side’.  We may traverse the unknown, often bringing with us into our present situation some untapped emotions from before.  They can jump out at us, ambush-style, as we become embroiled in the jungle of opinion and options, and just the everyday living that we all do.

Why is it that confusion can reign when we think we know best?.  That Patience can wear thin when we are in a hurry to ‘get somewhere’…

The satellite guides us from the best possible perspective.   Still, the fears surface.  Deal with them, or fail!  And all the while a glance out of the window presents the unfamiliar.  Getting lost is never the goal, but it does happen.  Even using a GPS!

A crowd of little kids, shepherded across the road crossing in front of us by a caring but harried teacher, reminds me of home. 

My family.  Out of sight, but never out of mind.

I miss those eyes, those turns of phrase that are foreign here.

Suppress the choking tears as they rise. The musical laughter in my head crescendos and then is silenced as the voice kicks in once again….

“Keep right. Merge left … now.”

Do as you’re told – it’s for the best!

And then.  The road through dark, unfamiliar streets is finished and we face the long, straight highway once again.  It unfolds before us.  It’s obvious.

Roomy.  Inviting us to fly.

Putting the foot down on the accelerator brings exhilaration.  Confidence.  We can settle now.  The GPS works its magic and we are in the hands of the satellite once again.  The journey, now a pleasure, brings the hope of what’s ahead into view.

We can almost feel that it’s nearing journey’s end.   The worst is behind.   We navigate the bridge, and notice green waters below, way, way below.

It’s not how it was.  We are nearly there.

Being directed from Above

Life’s journey is taking us somewhere.  But being lost, being under-confident and sometimes even untrusting, is common to most.

What are you using as your GPS?  A man made-sense of things?   Or are you God directed? Using the Heavenly perspective – that “guidance system” that leads and directs from the ‘quiet centre’ of your soul. One that communicates with a super-natural Help 

It’s as easy as ‘tapping in’ right now. 

Proverbs 20:24 (NLT)

“How can we understand the road we travel?

It is the Lord who directs our steps”.

 

 

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 
photo credit: M Hooper via <a href="http
photo credit: M Hooper via

It’s New Year’s Eve!    As we leave the old and bring in the new…what are your thoughts about the future?

Counting down at midnight, what do you think will be uppermost in your mind about what’s ahead?

I was taking down my Christmas tree and all the family decorations just yesterday and I mused about the correlation that this often has in our minds to saying ‘goodbye’ to an old year and ushering in the new one.
It never changes. We do it at this time of the year, every year.
And yet we hope for a ‘better tomorrow’ and wish one another health and happiness as we approach the countdown. Every year. Someone once said the ‘definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result’.
Truth is, if we just pack away the ‘old’ and bring it out again in the future…how have we moved forward?

tree 2

………..5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

And it’s here.  The new slate upon which to write. A year that’s never been lived. The hope that things will all be different now…

Sigh.

As I packed away the beautiful coloured baubles into their boxes and stacked each one neatly in its place up high in the storage cupboard, I couldn’t help but think to myself….this will all be away now until the end of the new year, when I’ll bring it all out and put it on display…again. Been doing it for decades.

BAUBLES 2

The Christmas tree now looks bare. It’s sad to see it being dismantled. The Santa hats have been flung around the place, waiting for collection. Listlessly they hang, as if nobody cares now, when last week we were all running around with the red and white adornments on our heads wishing health and happiness to all.  Now they lay like drunken and spent bodies after a wild NYE party. HAT 2

The angel dolls, so carefully placed next to Christmas candles, have spent the last month adorning my lounge room, silently singing carols and wishing us good cheer.  Now they sleep peacefully in the box of Christmas things, like resposing princesses, waiting for their chance to shine again.

ANGELS 2 Not sad, but thought provoking.  Here are a few of my own thoughts – call them my resolutions if you will – as I start towards the new year of 2014:

REFLECTION is always good!

1.   We can grow by allowing ourselves to think.

I know, I know…obvious, right?
But it’s something that we ‘prefectionistas’ don’t necessarily allow ourselves the luxury of doing. “Necessity is the mother of invention”, my Mum always said…. So when we come to the place of realising that it’s so necessary to reflect, and not just swiftly move on…that’s when change can actually happen in us. Do I allow myself to do that in my busy and bustling world?

Take it easy!  Put up your feet, make a cuppa and reflect on YOU. You’re so worth it!

2.   We can grow by allowing ourselves to dismantle.

What?! But I’m a mother, a wife, a woman of the 21st century…it’s dangerous and vulnerability rules when I think about this – and yes, that’s the point! We grow the most in our character when we are the most vulnerable, but then are open to change and move forward. Before the Creator of all things…let it all hang out! In the private place of devotion to Jesus, you can.  And it’s entirely possible, that things will be different from this moment on.

Let your hair down!  Allow yourself to ‘deconstruct’, not in an indulgent way, but before Jesus himself…being honest, believing for the best for YOU in the new year.

3.    We can grow by allowing ourselves grace.

Decide on a new colour scheme for the Christmas tree next year. (I can almost hear you sucking in your breath as your heart beats wildly in your chest…too much?) Yes, tradition is good, but it can’t rule you. Let God place a new dream, a new pattern of His thinking, a new vision in your heart. don’t box yourself in to the old perameters! (definition: ‘a limit or boundary that defines the scope of a particular process or activity’} 

… think OUTSIDE of that box. Why can’t things be different for you next year?  It’s just a decision away!

Think about this:

* What would I have changed?  

* What could I have done differently? (it may even help to write it down in your journal!)

* What could I have done more effectively? (character, relationship building, career/family?)

*  How can I avoid the mistakes of the past being repeated in this approaching new year?

*  What can I leave behind?

* What is useful that can be packed safely away but brought out another day?

Next year…newness may rule.  Or not.  That’s my decision. Bring it on!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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I’ll Be Home For Christmas

photo credit: scottwills via photopin cc
photo credit: scottwills via photopin cc

I heard yesterday that Aussie troops have pulled out of Afghanistan, leaving the war behind. There are some 400 who will remain, but they are not going to be in the danger zone where the killing and the maiming of civilians and troops alike took place over the last years, ever since 2001.

The troops are making their way home for Christmas. Can you imagine the joy around some Christmas family tables next week, where the returned heroes are the centre of attention? How the families must have longed for their sons and daughters to be released from the fray and be on the journey home so many times.

But I do have to wonder…how will the next months, even years, play out for these people who have been subject to the horrors of war and active service, who have been separated from friends and loved ones for in some cases months and often years at a time? Is there going to be a problem for some of them with Post War Syndrome, or Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome? When the Christmas things are packed away and life returns to what it was like before…

Have you ever been in a situation of extreme stress, then left that part of your life in order to resume a so-called ‘normal’ life?  

Sometimes you can feel battered beyond recognition, bruised in your emotions to the point where it’s hard to even feel for a while.  It’s not unusual, you know.  These returned soldiers may feel after the Christmas decorations are put away and all the Christmas cake and festival foods are eaten, that they are still in battle.  And sometimes when we’ve been through a ‘big season’ in our lives, we feel the same.

I wrote a book about someone who had Post War Syndrome, and who, because of his inability to relate due to the shattering of the war experience in his life, continued to live within the virtual confines of a prisoner of war camp, long after he was released.

“There’s a war been declared over our lives.  It’s one that will take us to the very ‘edge’ if we will let it.” (check out where this quote came from)

So often we can think that when the war is over, the troops come home, all is well with the world.  But it’s not like that is it?  We are in a ‘war’ everyday.  The big, stress-filled experiences of life want to shoot us down and take us out.

Are you ready to face the enemy now, all guns blazing, or are you beating the retreat with haste, defeated and downtrodden in the wake of the battle?  Are you able to pick yourself up after your experience and resume life, filled now and shaped by the richness of the life-story that you’re living…with every moment beating in you like the adrenalin that courses through the body in battle? Or have you been left defeated, drained and downtrodden?

Here’s a thought from Psalm 86:

“Listen closely to my prayer O Lord,
Hear my urgent cry.
I will call to you whenever trouble strikes,
And you will answer me”.

So often I hear of good people being ‘taken out’ by the circumstances of life.  Unable to forget, unable to forgive, unable to move on.  The emotions can rule us, or….. and yes, there is an alternative, the spirit within us can rule.

So making the spirit strong and able to sustain may just be our answer. And the question, you ask? It’s this: how do I remain strong and get on with life with all its fullness after I’ve been knocked around by life? By calling out for help!

Spiritual things and the spiritual life are as important to us as human beings as anything that we live through, live for or live out. 

Coming ‘home’ for Christmas is  the ultimate homecoming, of course.

It is the dream for every wearied soldier in the battle.  It’s the song we sing in this season….

Michael Buble may sing about it being “if only in my dreams”…but the reality is that homecoming to Jesus is what will strengthen us in every area of our lives, and be the central fibre of our lives if He is allowed to walk with us.  Through the battles, the storms, and the experiences that affect us negatively. And it’s seriously the real thing…the relationship that never lets us down, the one who never leaves, the promise that never fades or wearies us.

I know one thing.  I’ll be home for Christmas.

medium_3135845243
photo credit: Matthew Cachia via photopin cc
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There was time to say goodbye.

photo credit: Debris2008 via photopin cc
photo credit: Debris2008 via photopin cc

Have you ever had a season of emotional turmoil?  Where you knew that emotions were building up on the inside, and all that you wanted to do was to share it, but you were never really able to get to the point of the ‘spilling over’ of your thoughts, your emotions, your world as it stands right now? I

It’s like it gets stuck somewhere deep down, a buried treasure covered over by layers and layers, just waiting for the digging, waiting for the discoverers. It is awaiting the time that all the golden coins, precious stones and buried wealth come spilling out, to enrich someone’s life, apart from your own.

As I write this, the news of the passing of Nelson Mandela has hit, and we have seen a deluge of people come together at a South African soccer stadium to mark this historical milestone. The loss of so great a man is impacting. An event that will leave its mark.  A legacy of mammoth proportions.  But the life that was lived will remain in the hearts of his family forever. Their hearts will be touched because they have loved a great man, a father, grandfather, a friend.

His faith and forgiveness through a Joseph type of existence is an example to our world. He had a will to live and do good through the most horrific of circumstances, a heart that could forgive.

He lead through the scars, most of which the masses will never know of, and yet, his family heard his soul.

4.13 221966_1934364315454_4605201_n

Let me tell you today about a legacy that was left by someone whose funeral was not attended by the ‘greats’ of this world, but by a family who stood united, looking towards another sunrise with hope and faith. They did this because of the constant prayer and focus of one man, who cared for them.

A month ago today I lost this dear friend, my one and only sibling, my brother.

I have not been able to write here or anywhere at all since then, such has been my anguished state of heart. You see, in writing one can bear one’s soul and set free the inner most thoughts that are hyper sensitive and vulnerable, yet able to release another with their testimony.

Have you ever had a season like that?  You want to share, but you’re aching inside so much that you can’t? 

There are times when we’re just not able to allow the plundering of our souls.  It hurts. But then a time comes when we understand that the very act of opening up will bring a richness to us all. It’s an understanding that displaces the inward isolation that can come through storms in our lives. And this sharing then brings healing.  It can open the doors so that others can relate and be revived themselves.

And the healing is what we are all aiming for, because it brings the promise of newness.  And right there, I think I’ve learned something again (does it ever stop?):

No matter what I face in life, Jesus is there to bear my burden as I in turn bare my heart.

And as my heart opens, creaking all the way with the rust and dryness that the storms and the grief can build, He gently coaxes my understanding to a place of comfortable acceptance. And I feel new.

Oh, there are certainly the ‘moments,’ unpredictable, piercing my day like a bolt of lightning out of the blue southern sky. But around me are the faithful ones, the acts of kindness, the empathy of those who understand the treasure hunt that is life. They bring to me the growth and freshness of friendship, love and a new future. It’s held out in their hands like a silver platter, my choice being whether I will take it.

Why is it so hard at these times to reveal? To share? To be transparent?

It was a beautiful home-going that day, just four short weeks ago.  There was the reconciliation of he and his only true love after over twenty years. There was the spending of precious time with those he loved the most. There was time to say goodbye.

Children. Family. Love. Acceptance. Eternity.

I’ve been reading the book of Hebrews ever since, and it stirs my soul about faith. How many of those great heroes of the faith never even  saw what they were believing for, and yet, they kept believing? It is inspiring me to live and walk in truth.

So, I guess this piece today is about never giving up. Even if you don’t see your rainbow in the sky.  Even if you can’t tell which way is up for a season. Even if you are finding it hard to communicate, to share, or to even get in touch with your soul.

Keep believing.

Because all your doubting will never, ever change the truth: He loves, He lives, He longs for you.  Leave regret behind.

This quote from C S Lewis was on the card we printed for my brother’s farewell, “Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are far, far, better things ahead than any we leave behind”. (C S Lewis)

No truer word has touched my own soul. Farewell Mandiba. Your family will never forget.

Farewell my brother. Your family remember, always.

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Rising Above my Situation – Transcendence in Jesus

 

Peace, Woronora Valley

I was shocked into the realisation today.

It’s not that I wasn’t taking notice.  But I was so involved with the everyday caring that I hadn’t seen what was missing.

Ever been pulled up sharp by God Himself?

And all of a sudden He’s in there, reminding you of His magnificence…His presence that transcends everything in your life!

I was at the hospital.  Oh wait.  I haven’t told you about this yet.  I’m in a situation of caring for my very ill and only sibling, my ‘big brother’ who is a man of God.  Loves Jesus! With all his heart and soul.  But now he’s in this situation, only months long now, and finds himself desperate to cry out for the very Presence that heals.  The Presence that guides.  The comforting Presence that transcends. 

"My peace I leave with you...."
“My peace I leave with you….” (John 14:27)

I think that I’m ‘transcending’ when I say a prayer, when I read an inspiring passage, but I learnt something today….When we ‘transcend’ something, we actually RISE ABOVE it….We’re not on the same ‘level’ any more.

“Transcend”:   “be or go beyond the range or limits of (something abstract, typically a conceptual field or division)”   To “surpass” (a person or an achievement).

The dictionary definition doesn’t do it justice, what I saw today.

A man who’s been told his life is dwindling fast away, still holding on to the faith and the confession that is his life…that is Christ.  When the news of the brain tumour hit us all we had the ‘right confession’…rising above what was being declared by a faithless world. Though we still continue to try, the help comes in way that is foreign to us, unusual…transcendent. And we feel inadequate, and we feel lack and pain and frustration…and it gives us something to rise above, again. But those of us who experience the transcendence can soar above. We rise.

He lifted his arm right up in adoration of His Saviour. Jesus, the only one who can do anything about this situation, in reality.  Yes there are doctors, nurses, hospitals and drugs.  And it all helps.  I guess.  But what transcends  it all…what causes us all to rise is the faith, the believing, the knowing the Saviour’s Presence?  What causes our spirit to gush, to speak forth praise and worship when we have lost even the capability to express ourselves in words…

My inspiration

The witnessing of it. As I read him the scriptures…his arm upward along with his face in a blessing that gave me the privilege of belonging…of being a part of, his journey. He spoke out adoration, though he could speak little else. A never ending flood of words, though used a lifetime in other ways, and now selected to support the TRANSCENDING faith that carries the Spirit with him…

I’m supporting.  I’m caring.  I’m believing.  But even now and much more…I’m transcending.  Rising above the storm.  

What an honour.  

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:7 (NIV)

And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, Ephesians 2:6
And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus,”
Ephesians 2:6

 

 

 

 

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When fear attacks, what’s your defence?

 

Sipping coffee. In a cafe on the side of the road, in the sunshine, just watching humanity.

And then, the strangest things…

A guy rides his bike with his helmet on, as per the law.  But the helmet is designed to be aerodynamically effective…to make him go faster than he thought he could. Sensible. Except that he has these strands of plastic growing out of the top of the helmet now.  Long, white plastic bits that blow in the breeze as he waits, still, for the green traffic light with bated breath.  Readied to continue the race against himself and achieve personal best.  Readied to cross the line and to outdo himself yet again.

Seeds planted and sprouted? Perhaps an experiment being conducted in order to make him go even faster? Maybe just a whim…I don’t know!  But practical?

Not to the magpie, of course…Because it’s actually an invention meant to deter the swooping mother bird as it dangerously selects the target.  Not put off even by badly fitting lycra, the bird will peck and peck and draw blood at the sniff of a danger to its babies.

Hence…the strange looking bits of plastic deterrent now attached to the helmet in front of me. Defence, I believe.

Strange.  What we do to deter danger. What we do when fear gets the better of us.

Even stranger, evidence of the gripping fear of anticipated danger.

The worrying thought patterns that dart and weave and infect our conscious minds, no matter what we may tell ourselves in intelligent mind-speak.  No.  Over-ridden now by the fantasy of imagined disaster stalking us and overcoming our sensibilities until we act totally out of character, irrationally out of social …. acceptability.

This man was once a perfectly normal cyclist who thought and acted within the realms of average-ness (if you can call some of the bike outfits such) until the fear of the attack of the birds wore him down.  Now he demonstrates his emotional challenge to all who pass in four wheeled, enclosed vehicle and point and laugh behind cupped hand.

Hmm….I wonder if he realises?

I wonder if he knows?

And then, my thoughts wander to myself.  Typical. I wonder if God laughs when I’m gripped by a fear that may be caused by a natural occurrence? To me it may be big, but in HIS bigness He sees beyond and knows the outcomes and the thwarting power of His Word into my fear.  And yet I continue to entertain it.  I continue to breathe out the confessions of being afraid, of fearing the natural occurrences of my life.  Instead of seeing in every fearsome circumstance the hand of the Eternal One who reaches out to touch and guide. Though I know He knows, I take the burden of the unknown upon me.  Making provision for the attack, guarding with a defence that, while poignant, is often in the best possible light…pathetic. 

The IMAGINED fear…that fear that becomes almost a spirit that lurks, ready…

I believe PLATO once said:

“Courage is knowing what not to fear”…

Yes, I Put on my little bits of plastic to protect and hide from the onslaught.  Hedging my bets with the natural, I refuse to hear the Voice and the Prompting…and fail the test again.

Ahhh. Should have known.

He was there all the time.  Wasted fear.  Wasted time and effort.

Trust – It’s all I need.

2 Timothy 1:7: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.”

Valery

 

 

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Marriage made easy. Instant thoughts for a lifetime.

 

the vows

Ever thought about the ingredients of a happy, long lasting marriage?

Today is our thirtieth wedding anniversary.
You can’t say that every day, even every year. It’s a milestone!

To have married the person who has become my best friend, the one whom I trust above all others on this earth, the man who knows more about me than perhaps Jesus….yep. That’s a milestone!

We’ve achieved what appears to impress today’s world, by the number of social media ‘likes’ and ‘comments’…even got flowers from friends!

In today’s world of ‘instant everything’, I don’t wonder that we are esteemed for reaching thirty years… Reaching such significant milestones in relationships is not so common.

JUST ADD WATER!

But a ‘just add water’ solution to what ails a lot of marriages is not possible. There’s no such thing as ‘Marriage Made Easy’!

Here’s the distilled version of some of my ‘instant’ thoughts from our marriage of thirty years, which may stimulate your thinking on this great institution; and perhaps you’d like to comment with some of your own suggestions?

‘Instant’ thoughts that have taken over thirty years to grow!

1. Marriage is not easy!

“Life wasn’t meant to be easy”!  – Malcolm Fraser

One if our famous Australian Prime Ministers once quipped this famous line.  I think that may be said about marriage… It can be summed up really in a four letter word – Work.  And also commitment.  Oh and faithfulness.   And not to forget some sacrifice, and then…  our preferring of one other…so a lack of selfishness…not to forget the compromise and the compromise and sometimes perceived injustice of ‘taking a back seat’…and then, did I say the compromise?

Sorry. I got carried away.

Just read what LOVE is in I Corinthians:
“And though I have the gift of ‘prophecy’ and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing”. (NKJV)
– Pretty much all I need to say. Who cares?  If you just love…

2. Marriage is hungry!

“Feed the man meat”!   – Many an Aussie male

And yes, I jest!  It’s not about the food a wife puts in her man’s stomach, or even the way she looks when he arrives home from work each day (honey, I’m home!”) which I’ve read about from those old and oft quoted “1950’s magazines”….You know, the polka dotted frilly apron, the quick fry up of an onion to make his senses reel as you call on your inventiveness in the kitchen…the freshly applied makeup (just in case he’s left a lovely secretary at the office!)   Ah me!

“…love cares more for others than for self.”  I Cor 13:4 (MSG)

LOVE is an expression of my heart for my spouse. Not a demonstration.  Not a worked up emotional response.  But a deep caring…

It’s about feeding the emotional part of both of you.   Involving yourselves together in a commitment to each other, not just during the good times, but the not so good times. (did someone say “vows”?)      Learning the language of conflict (there’s a language??) and conciliation, rather than notching up scores and indulging in the ‘one-up-manship’ that can overload and make even the most heavenly marriages sink….

“..doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first”, doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others” I Cor 13:5

Ryan (our son) & Belinda Murphy

3.         Marriage loves memories!

“Memories need to be shared”  Lois Lowry

Leah (our daughter) & Andrew James
Leah (our daughter) & Andrew James

Yes it’s good to do fun things,  challenging things,  have world-changing adventures together…even if it’s in your own back yard.    But have them, and do it…together. “Memories are ambrosia” ( a quote from ‘Dancing With My Daddy”- (learn more) that is, sweet to the taste both now and after…they are what sets apart a great marriage in my eyes – the thoughts and the recollections that both partners share and wistfully talk about for many years to come….They build us a bank of love stories with us as the main stars!

I have seen our, at first, feisty and lacklustre relationship (due to two very strong personalities vying for attention…) become smooth and relatively eruption free when we pay attention to those ‘breathing spaces’ that all couples need…the creation of memories.

The odd weekend away. Without the kids.  The day trip to ‘who knows where’..just because..  The short trip to the mountains to refresh our care for one another and ourselves, all important and in fact necessary to relieve the daily humdrum and create memories. They are ‘in the bank’ for the days when we need them.

Ryan & Belinda Murphy

“…”So no matter what I say what I believe and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.” I Cor 13:3 (MSG)

4. Marriage takes care of us.

“Take care of you!”– A line from ‘Pretty Woman’

“Self care” – such a buzz word today.  But your ‘other self’, your spouse, also loves you to care.  But it does require real love. After all, you gave yourselves to one another when you wed…so it is now your responsibility to ‘take care of you’ for your spouse…right? Taking care of YOU is how to reinvent a marriage – because we are all growing, changing, becoming…and there’s nothing less mysterious than something that is always the same…

Care of me for you…Personally, that often means that I allocate time to baking, creating and just plain being me… Because that simply ‘recharges the batteries’ – but perhaps for you it means paying more time to the external you, or the internal you…or whatever part of you needs some ‘me time’… important, none the less!

5.  Marriage is about your future.

“You gotta know when it’s time to turn the page…‘ – Torie Amos

We plan for the wedding…But the future can shape our marriage. (which should last much longer!)  And if it’s to be life long, let’s remember that we also can have a hand in shaping our future…together.

MARRAGE starts with a wedding!

But to let the future just blindly ‘happen’ is a mistake. Because it can carry with it all the past regrets, failures and resentments that we as humans tend to harbour… unless we “turn the page’. And that involves exercising our ‘forgivery’ and taking our ‘forgettory’ out for a major spin!

I think that’s called GRACE….

“…Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, but keeps going to the end.” I Cor 13:6 (MSG)

And in a nutshell?   The answer has to be PURSUE LOVE…

‘“Love never gives up” I Cor 13:4 (MSG)

Michael and Valery at 30 years of marriage!

Till next time.

Valery

Photos courtesy Lovers and Light Photography www.loversandlight.com.au

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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IN THE EYE OF THE STORM

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”  C.S. Lewis

SUNRISE WORONORA RIVER

Have you ever been right in the middle of a ‘storm’ and almost viewed what’s happening to you as though you were checking out someone else’s situation?

It’s unfamiliar, strangely exhilarating, and altogether defined in your life, a situation like no other. A flash of summer lightening after an oppressive day of heat, it leaves its mark on memory, though soon no longer visible. The ‘storm’ that you’re going through can be the working of God Himself –  indeed the pain that the storm inevitably brings is often a catalyst for the building blocks of character.

But have you ever been so ‘kept’ in the ‘eye’ of that storm that you felt it was all just a little surreal?

Well, I guess, that’s where I am just now.

Seems I’m on the ‘roller coaster’ ride of my life. Caring for a dear and much loved family member with cancer is like that. I mean, it’s an experience that at once draws out so much adrenalin, as you become the person upon whom is placed such a dependance, yet on the other hand scares you, making you wonder about what the future will dictate for your life and theirs.

Nothing is certain.  Everything is happening too fast. But then everything is happening too slowly.  Outcomes are unknowable; so unclear, so frighteningly unfamiliar and yet, with it comes this solid, etherial confidence that I am safe, contrasting with the natural circumstances. That familiar hand that guides. That voice that calms. That heart that knows. That’s what is making the difference here.

It’s like being in the ‘eye’ of a cyclone. That place where the storm is held at bay. That unique, almost eerie space in time, when the lashing of the seas and the destructiveness of the wind and waves is held….The moments when the sure, surrounding love and peace is exuded and envelopes the soul.  Though the storm still rages around you. Though you know it may yet grow worse.

‘Peace, be still!’.

What supernatural force surrounds me so well that I feel upheld –  though the winds of adversity not only blow, but are currently howling the place down?

It could only be the solid, peaceful presence of One greater than myself. Stealth that expertly invades the fear space. Unannounced but invited.  Surely, skilfully corralling the wild horses of fear that threaten at each change of my situation to turn and trample me…

Calm now.  And with each rise in the intensity of my own  personal tempest, the opposite of the expected. Juxtaposed with the fury. Calling the natural and the supernatural to show their power.

And a knowing which will win.

Every new scenario of terror that unfolds with the days has a plan to take me down.  And every time I turn the corner and my way to peace is naturally blocked, the Supernatural intervenes. Like a rescuer promising my survival in the face of my attacker. He cordons off my enemy and releases His grace into me, throwing me a life line.

And I agree to swim and not sink. There’s a power in that agreement. When I agree with Him who’s in control, I thwart the powerlessness of disagreement.  When I read, repeat, ruminate on the Word of God and agree with Him in it, that’s when the Power comes.

His peace amazes me.   His beauty fills my mind and heart, overcoming this beast that assails, in all its storming power and glory.

I am in the storm’s ‘eye’.

We don’t ask to go through these times of stress and tempest…I mean, who would?  But when we do, we can reach out a hand and a prayer to bring this monster tempest to its knees…to strip it of its power.

‘What if?’, ‘Why me?’ and ‘If only…’  you don’t belong here in the Eye. ‘I trust You’.  ‘I release my heart to you’, and ‘Lead me, Lord’….the language of the peace in the midst of the terror and uncertainty.

Here are some things that I am learning, ever on the potters wheel, even in the midst of this.

THE EYE OF THE STORM IS WHERE I NEED TO LIVE.

– Being tossed around with every wind and wave of tempest in every situation that I am subject to – that’s not where I need to be.  Or indeed where I am called to be by Christ. I can live opposite to what assails me. 

THE EYE OF THE STORM IS WHERE I LEARN THE MOST.

– Not that we pray for adversity, but when it comes, why are we surprised?  Here’s a verse my husband sent me on my phone last week:

 Job 4:3-6……..“In the past you have encouraged many people; you have strengthened those who were weak.  Your words have supported those who were falling;  you encouraged those with shaky knees.  But now when trouble strikes, you lose heart.  You are terrified when it touches you.  Doesn’t your reverence for God give you confidence?  doesn’t your life of integrity give you hope?”

THE EYE OF THE STORM WILL ENVELOPE ME WITH PEACE.

How to release this to Him, when my knuckles are white with just hanging on? Pray, pray and pray. Talking to God – a conversation, not a tirade or a shouting match…I remind myself constantly that God actually loves me! And yet, and yet…the struggle continues.

God’s ‘megaphone’!  Am I listening?  Am I still enough in the eye of the storm to realise that there is a place of peace here?

The question just begs an answer, doesn’t it?  Yet often our answer is the whisper in the midst of our circumstance.

“Speak, for your servant is listening.” (I Sam 3:10)

JAMES CAM. GDNS

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STORMS IN OUR LIVES

 

bushfire warning

 

It’s probably going to be the hottest day of spring 2013 so far.  An estimated 31 degrees (Celsius) that will warm up our city and prepare us for the coming heat of the Australian summer. The promised sun, surf and sand…the freedom of walking and running outside… seasonal change is coming, and we are gladly fare welling being chilled to the bone, electric blankets and huddling around the heater.  And it’s only September!

But with summer in Australia comes the usual threat of bushfires, the drama of summer storms. Today we’ve witnessed the familiar sights and sounds of fire, ravaging areas of bushland and reaching devastating fingers into suburbia, on the outskirts of our city.  Destructive waves of hungry devastation that leave lives wrecked and hanging in the balance.  We are perhaps less ready for this because it’s so early in the new season…

These ‘fire storms’ that become an encroaching menace during our hot weather seem to be starting earlier now, engulfing more.  They can create even their own weather patterns.  They stop at nothing until they’ve been quenched by the water bombing, the hosing, the back burning…

Ever been in your own ‘fire storm’?

Here we are, motoring along with the ‘seasons’ of our lives all planned, neatly tucked into our futures and unfolding them nicely in a way that is called ‘happiness’, (maybe even ‘blessed’! ) We are satisfied with the way that we have achieved life’s equilibrium in our current season and so are often not ready when the storm hits.

And then it’s here…

As we shade our eyes from the sunlight of the day, we can hear the distant rumble of the thunder.  It gradually grows closer; the flashes of light surprise us, heralding a drenching of rain.

That lightning showing up on our horizon.

Ignition.  And the storm begins.

bushfire

Your storm could manifest as disease, financial pressure or the death of someone close.  It could be the breakup of an important relationship, the loss of a dear pet or the change, by choice or not, of your occupation.

But it’s a storm.

Ever felt the ominous rumble, seen the light flashing of your own approaching tempest? 

Your storm may have been months, years in the brewing, and you felt that it was coming.  Or it may be one of the unpredictable ones that just creep up on us when we’re not looking.  Out of the blue, so to speak…

But it’s started to create now its own weather pattern within your world.  It’s demanding attention, seeking your very emotional health as its victim.

Whatever ‘storm’ you feel is approaching, or that you are in the middle of right now, or that you may be anticipating in the future, there are valuable life lessons that they can bring us.

Distant thunder is often just noise.

–       Fear of an approaching storm is often more debilitating than the reality.

–       If we can calmly evaluate the approaching storm, dealing with it accordingly, we can benefit.

–       Fear of the unknown can unnerve us. Faith in the midst will empower us.

–       Hunker down…look up!

Lightening can strike twice in the same place.

–       It’s as simple as not putting yourself in the direct ‘firing line’ of a storm.

–       Learn from your storm, take note of what to avoid next time. Reflect on what causes its ignition…

–       Take shelter! Remember that a bushfire actually creates its own weather pattern.  So can the emotions of your storm.

Wait for the rain – it will come.

–       We often ‘move’ too fast, not waiting for the inevitable refreshing of the rain that follows.

–       Help will come if we listen, look and understand where to call for that help.

Build with the new shoots.

–       Rain brings new growth, don’t let it die, but use it well.

–       The ‘green shoots’ are what bear the promise of a new future.

–       Enjoy the next season, don’t re-live the pain, but use the lessons.

Do you remember that famous story of Jesus calming the storm in Matthew 8?

I am forever amazed that no matter what kind of tempest assails me, no matter how deep I am down in the whirlpool of life’s storms, He can always rescue me.

It’s just a matter of making that call…

Jesus…help me.

“Then He stood up and told the wind to be silent, the sea to quiet down: ”Silence!”.  The sea became smooth as glass”. (Matt 8:26)

Valery

 

 

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